Why?

So - here I am - another "failure" to add to my list of failures.

I really need to reach a state of "enlightenment" - but I cannot seem to find the concentration, or "center," to do that.  I was SO CLOSE to having my first initial goal (weight loss, step 1) met.  I was actually feeling better about myself.  It was my first 20 pounds on my 70 pound weight loss goal.  I was two pounds away.  I had told myself that as soon as I lost that last two pounds I would go a week with "normal" eating (everything that I had "deprived" myself for the last month) before I got started on step 2 (the next 10 pounds).

Friday night I was like a woman possessed!  I could not get the thought of Chinese take-out out of my head!!  I managed to hold off until about 5 pm.  I did good (in my wee little mind) - I ordered the steamed shrimp with broccoli and white rice (bad!).  I was only going to eat a little.  Of course, it came with a side of garlic sauce (processed food - another bad!).  What did I do?  I ate the whole goddamned thing!  Jumping on the scales the next morning - I was now 6 pounds away from my goal! 

Sure - I know that the dinner didn't add 4 pounds (12000 calories?  No way!) - but - what it did do was add all of the white rice and processed food (sauce) back into a system that was not used to it!  Major retention and blockage of the system!

Well - I told myself that it was just a little set-back - and to do what the "experts" say - that after a set-back just pick yourself up by your boot straps and pick up where you left off.

So - Saturday I'm out on a boat participating in the Clearwater Reef Cleanup.  No worries, right?  Well, we pulled back in about 1115 - and I was encouraged to stick around until noon when Crabby Bills would be bringing food for us.  I knew this was bad!  My inner voice was telling me that I needed to leave - NOW!  But, I stayed - after all - it would probably be grouper or something semi-healthy - right?

Well - noon arrived - and lo and behold - there are turkey and ham sandwiches - not just regular sandwiches - but piled high with PROCESSED meat-food on huge white hamburger buns - with little packets of mayo and mustard inside of the styrofoam containers!  And Lay's potato chips as well.

Did I leave at that point?  NO!  My "evil voice" said "Melodye, you've waited 45 minutes for food - go ahead and eat, and when you get home take the dogs for a walk and go for a jog and all will be better.  It's OK - go for it."

So - I ate - yes, even used the mayo packet - and ate the chips!

And when I got home - did I walk the dogs?  No.  Did I go for a jog?  No.

My self-destructive side kicked in - and I made a bowl of oatmeal with blueberries (to appease myself?)  Of course - later I made a HUGE egg and cheese omelette.  With PROCESSED turkey sausage.  And a bowl of ice cream.  And another bowl of oatmeal (that makes it all better, right?)

Why am I so self destructive???

This morning I am swollen to the max!  My rings are buried inside of skin.  I know I am retaining so much water!  The scales say I am now 10 pounds away from my original goal (which WAS only 2 pounds away!)  I know that most of that is water and corruption from all of the processed food and sugar - but still.....

I am majorlly depressed today.  I need to find my "center."  I need to love myself.

Why do I do these things?

Today I am drinking green tea and lots of fluids.  I am resisting the urge for another huge omelette or ordering a pizza.  Have I walked the dogs yet?  No.  Have I gone for a jog yet?  No.

I am doing laundry - and I am trying to find the reason that I am so insistent on hurting myself.

I know that this all started back in 1995 with the "incident" - that is when I started my self-destructive behaviour - but - c'mon - that was 15 years ago!  Why?  Why does this continue.

I need to try to NOT beat myself up today.  I need to find the will to get back on that horse.  But I feel fat.  I feel ugly.  I feel old.  I feel unloved.  I feel like I could die today and no one would miss me.

There has got to be a better purpose to my life.  I need to find "me" - I need to find a way to love me again.

Starting Over

I had a blog on Yahoo 360 for many years.  That site has now gone by the wayside. 

The blog started off as a way for me to just "release" whatever was inside.  It was very cathartic.  When my husband and I were having problems it later became a way for us to communicate - to bitch at each other, to express our love for each other, to tell each other what was going on in our lives.  On his blog was where he told the world of our love.  I also met many new friends through that blog - eventually having over 500 followers.

Years later I have found that I seemed to have "lost" most of myself.  My husband passed away, my daughter grew up and moved out, I seem to only be "doing" for others and not "doing" for myself.

I don't think I love myself anymore. 

I think I have become self-destructive because of my lack of love for myself.  I blame that on me.  By doing only for others and not doing for me - I lost my identity.  I need to now find a balance in my life.  There is no reason that I cannot still "do" for others and organizations - but I need to learn to take time for ME as well - and I don't mean what I've been doing for the last 4 years - having MY time being sitting in front of the TV mindlessly watching shows I'm really not interested in - and EATING - I need to get back to doing things for ME - whether it is reading a book or magazine, riding my bike, exploring parts of the area.

Mostly I need to start taking care of myself again.  I am not physically or mentally healthy.  I need to "heal myself."

I can pinpoint mostly when most of my "issues" started - different times for different issues - maybe I will get into that later.  For now - I think I'll just start blogging again.  That helped before - and maybe it will help again!

I'm back!  (....a little bit at a time - baby steps!)