Why?

So - here I am - another "failure" to add to my list of failures.

I really need to reach a state of "enlightenment" - but I cannot seem to find the concentration, or "center," to do that.  I was SO CLOSE to having my first initial goal (weight loss, step 1) met.  I was actually feeling better about myself.  It was my first 20 pounds on my 70 pound weight loss goal.  I was two pounds away.  I had told myself that as soon as I lost that last two pounds I would go a week with "normal" eating (everything that I had "deprived" myself for the last month) before I got started on step 2 (the next 10 pounds).

Friday night I was like a woman possessed!  I could not get the thought of Chinese take-out out of my head!!  I managed to hold off until about 5 pm.  I did good (in my wee little mind) - I ordered the steamed shrimp with broccoli and white rice (bad!).  I was only going to eat a little.  Of course, it came with a side of garlic sauce (processed food - another bad!).  What did I do?  I ate the whole goddamned thing!  Jumping on the scales the next morning - I was now 6 pounds away from my goal! 

Sure - I know that the dinner didn't add 4 pounds (12000 calories?  No way!) - but - what it did do was add all of the white rice and processed food (sauce) back into a system that was not used to it!  Major retention and blockage of the system!

Well - I told myself that it was just a little set-back - and to do what the "experts" say - that after a set-back just pick yourself up by your boot straps and pick up where you left off.

So - Saturday I'm out on a boat participating in the Clearwater Reef Cleanup.  No worries, right?  Well, we pulled back in about 1115 - and I was encouraged to stick around until noon when Crabby Bills would be bringing food for us.  I knew this was bad!  My inner voice was telling me that I needed to leave - NOW!  But, I stayed - after all - it would probably be grouper or something semi-healthy - right?

Well - noon arrived - and lo and behold - there are turkey and ham sandwiches - not just regular sandwiches - but piled high with PROCESSED meat-food on huge white hamburger buns - with little packets of mayo and mustard inside of the styrofoam containers!  And Lay's potato chips as well.

Did I leave at that point?  NO!  My "evil voice" said "Melodye, you've waited 45 minutes for food - go ahead and eat, and when you get home take the dogs for a walk and go for a jog and all will be better.  It's OK - go for it."

So - I ate - yes, even used the mayo packet - and ate the chips!

And when I got home - did I walk the dogs?  No.  Did I go for a jog?  No.

My self-destructive side kicked in - and I made a bowl of oatmeal with blueberries (to appease myself?)  Of course - later I made a HUGE egg and cheese omelette.  With PROCESSED turkey sausage.  And a bowl of ice cream.  And another bowl of oatmeal (that makes it all better, right?)

Why am I so self destructive???

This morning I am swollen to the max!  My rings are buried inside of skin.  I know I am retaining so much water!  The scales say I am now 10 pounds away from my original goal (which WAS only 2 pounds away!)  I know that most of that is water and corruption from all of the processed food and sugar - but still.....

I am majorlly depressed today.  I need to find my "center."  I need to love myself.

Why do I do these things?

Today I am drinking green tea and lots of fluids.  I am resisting the urge for another huge omelette or ordering a pizza.  Have I walked the dogs yet?  No.  Have I gone for a jog yet?  No.

I am doing laundry - and I am trying to find the reason that I am so insistent on hurting myself.

I know that this all started back in 1995 with the "incident" - that is when I started my self-destructive behaviour - but - c'mon - that was 15 years ago!  Why?  Why does this continue.

I need to try to NOT beat myself up today.  I need to find the will to get back on that horse.  But I feel fat.  I feel ugly.  I feel old.  I feel unloved.  I feel like I could die today and no one would miss me.

There has got to be a better purpose to my life.  I need to find "me" - I need to find a way to love me again.